just when I think I’ve got it all under control…

 Music has gotten me through some hard times in my life.

It just gets to me.

But WHY am I still singing and crying and praying the same things I prayed when I was 15 years old?!

EX: “I wanna be beautiful, to make You stand in awe, Look inside my heart and be amazed.

I want to hear You say who I am is quite enough, I wanna be worthy of love, and beautiful.”

“Gaze into my eyes, let me know you’d fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. Just ask me, for my love… I WANNA BE PURSUED!”

 

When I start thinking I have it all figured out and have everything under control, I stop depending on God. It’s a never-ending cycle with me.

Why do I keep shrinking back to the person I used to be, that person that I DON’T want to be… that person that I strived to get away from? Why do I always go back to my “old ways”?

One major thing I have seemed to be struggling with is being unhappy. Why can I not seem to find joy in the Lord? Why do I let my happiness be based on my circumstances? That is not what God asks of me. Yet it is what I do!!! I’m so selfish…

I want passion.  I want God to truly reveal what He wants me to do with my life.  Right now I feel so uncertain about a lot of things.  Should I stay in school longer?  Should I try to graduate next May after all?  Should I…?… never mind.  

All I want to do is sing, but even with that I haven’t gotten any opportunities to sing in soo long.

GIVE ME CONFIDENCE, LORD!  I know You have given me soo many gifts and talents to use for you… I believe that.  I just can’t see it right now.  Give me those opportunities to learn about and use my passion.  Help me discover exactly what it is that You want me to be. 

I have felt so immature lately.  HELP ME NOT BE STUCK AS A confused FIFTEEN YEAR OLD FOREVER!

On the road to beautiful…

i’d been doing so good and then something happens and BAM!

it sets me back.

i don’t like when that happens.

i have my good days and my bad days…

my good weeks and my bad weeks…

this is seeming like a bad week.

yet God is faithful… even when I can’t feel Him all the time, I know He is there.   I TRUST that to be true!  I cling to that fact!!!

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I’m a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up ’cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can’t reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven’s own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

You’re my portion in this life
You’re my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark I’ll love You
I’ll love You, I’ll love You

I’ll love You…

[the undeveloped story]

you are my all american love song.

the flutter below my esophagus
the apple of my eye
my hero in disguise
change doesn’t come easy for anyone and chance is only second best
Don’t cheat yourself out of those rose colored glasses
after all, they were a gift from me to you
bent outta shape
a little scratched
glance through them anyway.

It’s nice to sleep with my feet out of the covers again,
and the shadows….they no longer creep
through my door
steadily
reaching to swallow me.

instead they ease forward…
a promise of sweet dreams and kind eyes

I have no fear.

fear is a direct result of shame.
how could I be ashamed?

the oregon trail is overrated
the gold rush is outdated
yet the destination is all the same
it may not be the world, but the west coast will be jealous
take my hand. talk me through. we all know my sense of direction is…
…….well it just is…….

this is my thought ive thought about alot.
and you are where it begins,
so save your tonight, tomorrow and next week.
pencil me in for a party for two.

Sucked in again…

1. I secretly wish my life was a musical.

2. I love hugs. They absolutely make my day.

3. I’ve always wanted to sit on the beach and watch lightning hit sand…then go dig up the sand that the lightning hit. (and yes, I’ve wanted to do this even before seeing Sweet Home Alabama.)

4. I plan on living in Italy sometime before I die.

5. I am NOT a shy person. Many people believe that I am, but they don’t know me at all.

6. I love love love road trips…probably more than anybody should.

7. I enjoy cheesy pickup lines.

8. I’m probably one of the most random and spontaneous people you will ever meet.

9. I like the smell of Target.

10. I have bad luck…really. If you don’t believe me, ask me about my first day at SFA.

11. When I was little, I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast.

12. I am overly obsessed with itunes and music in general.

13. I write poetry, but I’m not confident enough to show it to anybody.

14. I love to ride 4 wheelers…and fish. I love to fish.

15. I’ve always been told that i’m a mystery and an unreadable book. I don’t know how I’m a mystery, but I really want to know what that means.

16. The smell of peanut butter makes me gag, as does the smell of ketchup and cardboard.

17. I never say the word “hi” unless something is wrong.

18. I would LOVE to be on Broadway.

19. I don’t like going to a unfamiliar place alone or walking into a place full of people alone.

20. I enjoy it when people ask me what’s on my mind.

21. I like fireplaces & cold weather & hot chocolate & a good movie.

22. I prefer hanging out with boys over girls…less drama and they tend to be funnier

23. I have a serious phobia of death and dying after watching a man burn to death when I was 4 years old.

24. I like man smells.

25. I want to work for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Music&Lyrics.

You know, I’ve got this theory;

There are two kinds of people in the world.

There arelyric people and music people.

The lyrics people tend to be

analytical.

You know, all about the

meaning of the song.

They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out

like five minutes after buying it pouring over the

lyrics, interpreting the crap out of everything.

Then there’s the music people…who could care

less for the lyrics as long as its just got a

good beat

and you can

dance to it.

I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a

music girl and not a lyric girl.

But since I’m not,

Let me just say this: sometimes things find you

When you need them to find you. I believe that.

And for me, it’s usually song

lyrics.

Things I Know/Wish/Need/Like/Forget/Hate.

Things I know:
I love being around people…
…but I am perfectly happy being alone, too.
I have a constant desire to be more and it never stops. Sometimes I just wish it would stop.
Hugs and happy texts can turn a horrible day into an amazing day.
Laughing makes everything better. Laugh at yourself, laugh with your friends. Just laugh. I hear it burns calories.
I can’t do everything.
I take on too much sometimes.
I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect.
Occasionally, I base too much of my self worth on my achievements & the fact that I‘m nowhere near where I want to be in life.
I get in funks, and when the funks come I like to sleep- a lot.
If I could get paid to dig through itunes all day, I would be very rich.
God is amazing (posted under ‘things I know’, but should probably be posted under ‘things I forget’.)
Time passes by entirely too quickly.
I’m random & spontaneous, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My life couldn’t function at this point with out my two best friends. Sometimes you need someone to lean on. Although, we’re more like Bubba and Forrest – ‘I’ll lean right back against you, you just lean right back against me… that way we won’t have to sleep with our heads in the mud.’

Things I wish:
That I could learn to say no.
That school was over already.
That I could travel, take pictures, & go to concerts all day.
That my life was a musical.
That people would ask me what’s on my mind more often…and be willing to listen.

Things I need:
Jesus.
To feel needed sometimes.

Things I like:
To do things for other people…surprises, presents, etc… I live for it.
Concerts…and music…and itunes.
Target. And the smell of it.
Texts.
Cheesy pick up lines.
Starbucks green tea.
Guy smells…the good ones, anyway.
Road trips.

Things I forget:
To take care of myself because I’m too busy trying to make sure everybody else is taken care of.
That God is amazing.

Things I hate:
Being ignored.
Crying.
Feeling like nobody cares.
Being underestimated.
School. (that should be #1 on my list!!)

Wanna Know Something?

I bet you learn something new….

What CD is a must-have when I take drives?
ABBA: Gold.

What is my favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe.

I have a paranoia of running out of one item. What is it?
Toilet paper.

If I could go back in time, how far back would I go?
I would LOVE to relive the 50’s or the 80’s.

What’s my major?
Art with an emphasis on photography.

If I were stuck on an island with only one album, what would it be?
“The Joshua Tree” by U2.

What actress gives me the creeps?
Susan Sarandon.

What are my top three favorite stores?
Target, Bath&BodyWorks, IKEA.

When is my birthday?
March 11.

On a cold, rainy day, what is my favorite thing to do?
Sit on the couch in my pjs, drink coffee, & watch movies.

If I could marry any superhero, who would it be? (BE SPECIFIC!)
Batman…only Batman from The Dark Knight. (His voice…uhh, need I say more??)

What are my top three favorite movies?
Father of the Bride, Rent, The Holiday.

If I could’ve done one thing with my life, what would it be?
Gone to Juilliard to become a professional dancer & eventually ended up on Broadway.

What are my favorite pizza toppings?
Pepperoni & mushrooms.

When I retire, what do I want to do?
Open a bed & breakfast on the beach.

If I could bring back three celebrities from the dead, who would they be?
James Dean, Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe. (Heath Ledger is an honorable mention.)

What is the first thing I notice about a guy?
Smell. (Yes, seriously.)

What was my first car?
1994 red VW Jetta.

What are two of my favorite restaurants?
Cheesecake Factory & P.F. Chang’s.

What is my #1 makeup essential?
Mascara.

What color are my eyes?
Blue.

What two countries do I want to live in eventually?
Italy & Greece.

If I could be any TV character, who would I be?
Peyton Sawyer from OTH.

What music video am I in?
“Invisible” by Clay Aiken.

What kind of gum do I chew?
Orbit Sweet Mint.

I fractured my ankle in 8th grade. What happened?
I got hit by a tennis ball during a match.

What is my favorite drink?
Iced green tea w/ melon & 3 splendas from Starbucks.

What are my biggest fears?
Snakes, cockroaches, failure, mascots, being trapped.

If I could create two classes at college level, what would they be?
Music Discovery & Celebrity Psychology.

What is my favorite musical?
Rent.

What are two items that must be in the fridge at all times?
Juice & string cheese.

When I was little, what did I fear would get me at night?
Billy Ray Cyrus…and you only think I’m kidding.

If I could have one superhuman power, what would it be?
Invisibility.

If a movie were made about my life, who would I want to portray me?
Schuyler Fisk.

What is my favorite Christmas movie?
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

I have relatives that sing on what movie soundtrack?
O Brother, Where Art Thou?

What is one thing that can make me happiest, no matter what mood I’m in?
Music.

How many biological siblings do I have?
Two.

Am I left-handed or right-handed?
Right.

How many times did I fail my driving test?
Once.

I have a stupid human trick. What is it?
I can sing the ABC’s inside of my mouth.

What was the first concert I ever went to?
Steven Curtis Chapman in Shreveport.

How many tattoos do I have?
None.

What is my current car’s name?
Murphy.

I have a phobia of death as a result of a traumatic event when I was four. What was the traumatic event?
I watched a man burn to death in a go-cart.

So how many new things did you learn? :]

Why A Daughter Needs A Dad

A daughter needs a dad…

To learn that when he says it will be okay, it will.
Who will make sacrifices so she will not have to sacrifice.
To teach her that value as a person is more than the way she looks.
Who will laugh at her at all the right times.
Who will always have time to give her hugs & kisses.
Who does not mind when she steps on his shoes while dancing.
Who will always make sure she has a place to come home to.
Who will never think she is too old to need him.
To make the family whole & complete.
Who will not punish her for her mistakes, but help her learn from them.
To teach her to believe that she deserves to be treated well.
To teach her to accept the differences in others.
To teach her to weight the consequences of her actions & make decisions accordingly.
So she will know what it’s like to be somebody’s favorite.
To tell her truthfully that she is the most beautiful of all.
To protect her from scary nighttime creatures.
To answer the questions that keep her awake at night.
To make the complex simple & the painful bearable.
To protect her from thunder & lightning.
To teach her that family is more important than work.
to be the safe spot she can always turn to.
To show her how it feels to be loved unselfishly.
To be the standard against which she will judge all men.
Who will influence her life even when he isn’t with her.
To teach her that she is equal to her husband.
To tell her that all is not hopeless, even when she feels it is.
To join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone.
To teach her the meaning of integrity and how to avoid the crooked path.
To make the tough decisions for her until she is able to make them for herself.
So that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down.
To tuck her in at night.
To protect her when she is not wise enough to protect herself.
To help her take the risks that will build her confidence.
To teach her that forgiving is a natural thing to do.
To teach her that she can forgive more than once.
To teach her the difference between being firm & being stubborn.
To teach her that respect is to be earned, as he has earned hers.
To prepare her to persevere through hardship.
Who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his.
To be the history of her family for her own children.
To learn what she should expect from her husband.
To teach her how to be responsible for others.
To teach her to preserve her dignity during difficult times.
To help her believe in herself as a parent, and that in discipline there is hope.
To teach her what it means to always be there.
To teach her that a man’s strength is not the force of his hand or his voice, but the kindness of his heart.
To teach her to be honest in all her dealings.
To teach her patience and kindness.
To teach her when to be firm and when to compromise.
To help her try again whenever she fails.
To remind her of what she may not remember.
To give her the gentle pushes that help her grow.
So that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes & see him.
To give her the guidance she needs as she begins to resolve her own troubles.
To pull her back when she is headed in the wrong direction.
To think highly of her when no one else will.
To hold her as she cries.
To carry her just because she wants to be carried.
To set a moral standard for her.
To share with her the wisdom she has not yet acquired.
Who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her.
To remind her of the comfort of being held near & feeling secure.
To build a loving house on a foundation of wisdom & understanding.
To teach her to recognize truth and reward it.
To teach her to recognize sincerity and encourage it.
To teach her about fairness.
To teach her to stand up for herself.
To teach her the importance of being a lady.
Who gives her refuge in a home secured with faith.
To teach her the joy of serving others.
To calm her when she is stressed by her challenges.
To give her a strong, willful character.
To teach her how things work.
To fix her favorite things.
To show her how to fix things for herself.
To show her that true love is unconditional.
To teach her that loving her family is a priority.
To teach her that ignorance is not an excuse for anything.
To teach her not to let pride get in the way of discovering new things.
To teach her to experiment for the sake of testing her own assumptions.
To teach her how to focus her mind in the midst of distraction.
To teach her that a joyful heart is filled with peace rather than deceit.
To tell her all she needs to know about boys.
To show her that all boys are not like the one who hurt her.
To teach her how to recognize a gentleman.
To stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father.
To teach her when to be cautious.
To teach her that men and women can be good friends.
To teach her to learn from her experiences.
To teach her what kind of man to choose to be the father of her children.
To help her become the best mother she can be.
To help her raise her children with strong family values.
To teach her that her role in a family is greater than the work she does.
To help her find her way in life.
To show her the benefits of hard work.
To help around the house so that her mother will have time to spend with her, too.
To teach her to spend responsibly, save for a rainy day, and give with a generous heart.
To help her finish her work when she is too weary to finish it herself.
So she learns that men can be trustworthy.
Because without him, she will have less in her life than she deserves.

Yesterday is History.

Its been a bad day, you’ve been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it’s hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can’t stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let’s take a walk into today
And don’t let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making

Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making

22 Things That Most People Don’t Know About Me

(1) No matter what people say, I always turn it into a song in my head.

(2) I’m paranoid that there is a hidden video camera in my speedometer.

(3) When I grow up, I would like to be a professional road-tripper.

(4) I think The Carol Burnett Show is the funniest show of all time.

(5) I wish my life were a musical.

(6) I always want to answer questions that people ask in a group setting but I never have the guts.

(7) I listen to Christmas music year round. (And for the record, people who sing Christmas music have my full attention no matter what.)

(8) I like to be wild & crazy & loud. And laugh A LOT.

(9) But I also like to be serious and have long, intense conversations. (And I ask random questions at random times because I like to get to know people.)

(10) I’m seriously considering writing a book of quotes from my family…some are brilliant, some are blonde, & others are just downright hysterical. (If you know my dad, you know some of the quotes I’m talking about…”Eeny, Meeny, Miney, & there ain’t gonna be no Moe” and Avery, I love you but the salt is NOT the whole population of the earth.)

(11) I have a heart for people who are hurting.

(12) Chick-Fil-A is the greatest thing on the whole darn planet.

(13) I can carry on a conversation in movie quotes.

(14) I wish someone would randomly buy me a fun puzzle.

(15) I’m gonna marry Josh Groban.

(16) I think eye contact is very important, no matter who you’re talking to.

(17) I wake myself up laughing in the middle of the night.

(18) I am VERY detail-oriented. I remember the most unimportant details.

(19) Getting random cards in the mail make my day…I don’t know what it is about a handwritten note that gets me excited, but I love it!

(20) It annoys me when I say something to somebody & they don’t respond…whether it’s in person, a text, facebook, whatever. It drives me crazy.

(21) People who can make me laugh until I cry are very high up on my list.

(22) I like to give people random surprises. It makes my heart smile.