I have too much on my mind to sleep. I’ve developed a growing anxiety throughout today as the reality of my college graduation has hit me. (I didn’t realize that I was worried until I got in bed earlier this evening.) Everyone keeps saying, “Stop stressing.” “You’ve got time.” “You’re going to make mistakes.” I appreciate the encouragement, but please, please, please shut up.
Stop stressing. The phrase “stop stressing” really irritates me because it’s easier said than done. Everyone deals with stress in a different way. Some people go running, some people skydive, and some people go driving. I deal with stress by living in my sweats, staying in bed and sleeping ALOT. I’ve been known to make myself sick with stress. (Anybody have tips on how to fix that? Anybody? My ears are open…) People get frustrated with me because I don’t know how to properly handle my stress. I understand that and I would be frustrated with me, too. I’ve got a lot of important things to lose and I try to hide my stress in order to keep from losing those things. (Does that make any sense whatsoever? I’m going with “no.”)
You’ve got time. I really don’t feel like I do. I feel like I’m supposed to know what I want to do already. I mean, I’ve had my entire college career to think about it, right?? Many people around me jumped out of college and fell into wonderful, perfect jobs that they love. I’m happy for them…really, I am. At the same time, I’m completely jealous because I want to fall into a wonderful, perfect career that I love. I don’t want to do an internship or go to grad school or get my Master’s or take any certification tests. I just want to find something that I love to do. Is that so hard?
You’re going to make mistakes. I’m not good at making mistakes. I want to be really good at everything that I do. I know perfection is not an option and I’ve accepted that. I tend to be really hard on myself when I make a mistake or when I feel that people are disappointed in me. I do my best to please people and I need to stop. I know that I do, but I’m getting better (I think). For a long time, I did a really good job of fooling people into believing that I had my life together, that I was strong enough to deal with whatever came my way and keep a positive attitude. However, I’m tired of people-pleasing and I still don’t know how to deal with making mistakes.
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If anybody has any advice, leave a comment, send me an email, Facebook me, text me. Please don’t talk to me about it in person. I’m not good at talking about my feelings face-to-face. (Hence, the blog.)
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I’m stressed out about the Christmas gifts that I still need to buy, rent that needs to be paid, bills due tomorrow, thank-you notes to write, packing for the quick trip to my parent’s house this weekend, finalizing plans for my new job, putting in applications to my professional internship (if I decide that’s what I want to do), fixing/apologizing for an argument that I feel bad about, thinking about how my parents are about to cut me off financially now that I’m “in the real world”, trying to plan and budget for that huge adjustment, thinking about how to be a better daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend…
Rant over. My thoughts are out.
