Blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk.

I still have insecurities…

with self-image…

with how my make-up is done…

with how I am viewed as a person…

with the opposite sex…

with looking pretty…

with acting my age…

and being as confident as my friends.

I struggle with guys…which makes me like every other girl…

I struggle with not being able to fix things for people, letting others walk over me, and being way too nice.

I struggle with doing the right thing at the wrong time and the wrong thing at the right time.

I also change my mind a lot and struggle with my emotions…but let’s be honest, what girl doesn’t??

but for now, I won’t STRUGGLE, I won’t FIGHT.

I’ll be still and just BE.

and in just BEING I will LEARN

and in LEARNING I will TEACH

I will TEACH you to…

SMILE WITH YOUR FAMILY…because they love you.

LAUGH WITH YOUR FRIENDS…that’s the best time you will ever have.

BLOW BUBBLES IN YOUR CHOCOLATE MILK… it brings out the kid in you.

let the rays of sunshine tug on your IMAGINATION…

BE creative with silly things like spoons…

LOVE GOD, LOVE YOURSELF…cause in the end that’s the only thing holding you from disaster.

I will teach you to just BREATHE.

and in simply BREATHING, you will EXIST,

and by EXISTING you will IMPACT people,

and as you IMPACT people, you will come to find that YOU ARE LOVED.

and by being LOVED you will be HAPPY

and you will SMILE…

AND…

…in the end all I will teach you is how to SMILE.

“sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name…”

This is going to be somewhat of a vent, not really an angry vent, just some things that need to be said…so forgive me for rambling…

 (1) I got flipped off today. That’s not too shocking…I see it every day driving to TC and coming back from class. Sometimes it’s even aimed at me. I’ve learned to ignore it. It really doesn’t bother me. But today was different. A truck randomly stopped in front of me, so to avoid hitting it, I had to throw on my breaks & swerve a little, but there were no cars in the lane that I went into (thank goodness…). Unfortunately, the car behind me almost hit me because I had to throw on my brakes so quickly. After I regained control, I checked my rearview mirror to make sure the car behind me was okay. The girl who was behind me was honking at me, hitting her steering wheel repeatedly, and then she flipped me off. The worst part of that whole situation was that I knew the girl. She goes to FBC & I see her every Sunday and most Wednesdays. I’m not sure if she realized who I was or not, but either way, I was embarassed for her. That irritates me.

(2) Sometimes I get the feeling that nobody knows my name. I know that sounds retarded, but I really could not be more serious. I feel like I’m just part of the scenery when people look at me…like somehow, I’m invisible to the rest of the world. I’m not sure why I always feel like that. I just want people to know my name. Not because I’m famous or wealthy, not because I’m crazy, not because I’ve done something wonderful. I just want somebody to know my name because they care about me and they care about things that are going on in my life.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Cheers.

Claire.

Sunshine & cool breezes make me happy.

I love people who are insanely random & laugh constantly.

Fashion makes me wish I could be bold & daring.

Lemonade makes me think of California & surfing.

VH1 makes me feel hardcore.

Shaggy hair is hot. That’s all.

When I was little, I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast.

Blenders are fun to play with.

Bush’s sweet tea is an addiction.

Romantic comedies snap me back to reality.

Surveys are fun because I like to know everything about people.

Vintage jewelry makes me want to go back to the 20’s and relive every decade.

Full House is cheesy, but I still love it.

I want 2 puppies: 1 golden retriever named Zeppelin & a yellow lab named Olivia.

Ribbons are scene & I love them.

Jesus is still alright with me. Jesus is still alright, oh yeah. (Sing it..you know you want to.)

California weather needs to be in Texas.

Photography is my ultimate addiction.

I like movies because they make me feel good.

Dancing is a let-go and makes me feel crazy.

I like diet green tea because it makes me feel Californian.

My iPod is wonderful because I can rock out no matter where I go. & that’s cool.

Concerts give you the greatest adrenaline rushes & the greatest pictures.

Myspace is addicting. but I like it.

Driving is therapeutic and stress relieving.

Guys with gorgeous eyes make me melt.

I like to surprise people just to see the look on their faces.

Cooking for other people makes me happy because they don’t expect it.

I like fireplaces & cold weather & hot chocolate & a good movie.

I like candle wax because..well, I’m different. ha.

Jumping on the bed makes me want to be a little kid again.

I love hugs & I don’t care who you are, hug me.

Cheesy pick-up lines are super cute.

Laughing reminds me that I’m alive.

Storms make me want to sit on the beach & watch lightning hit the sand.

Target is my favorite store ever.

I’ve always wanted to be on Broadway & go on tour.

Thrift shops are amazing because you can find the coolest vintage stuff.

Hotels are so cool. I’m not sure why. But I love them.

Road trips need to happen more often.

Playing the piano inspires me to write lyrics.

Music makes me want to be myself.

Starbucks makes me want to write poetry in an Parisian cafe.

I like shoes because they make you feel good.

I have a heart for kids who have been hurt or abused.

Alright, alright, I have a heart for kids. Period.

Converse or Vans are my favorite shoes because they are rockish.

I’m putting the peace sign back in style because what the world needs is world peace.

Four wheelers are incredible because they make me feel free.

I like paychecks because they make me proud of myself.

I like leather couches because they’re so chill.

I like pleasant surprises because they make me realize that people care.

I like djembas because you don’t really have to learn to play. You just pick it up & go.

I like flats. They’re just cute.

I like boy smells because it reminds me of manliness.(does that make sense?)

I like Ninja Turtles because they’re really hip…listen to the theme song.

I like being sneaky because it makes me feel very…FBI.

I like art because it expresses things that words cannot.

Snow is so much fun & we need more of it in Texas.

It would be so cool if life was a musical.

I like old hymns. The words are incredible.

I like sarcasm because it makes things funnier than they really are.

I like South Padre because of the memories made there.

I like nighttime because it releases some form of energy that makes you want to be spontaneous.

I like traveling because I like to see how other people live.

I like swings because they remind me of childhood & innocence.

Looking at the stars or watching clouds is relaxing.

I like coloring because it takes me back to good times.

I like cutting things out magazines to make collages.

I like decorating because I’m a trading spaces/while you were out/extreme makeover junkie.

I like singing because I have a dream.(Gah, who am I? MLK?)

I like ice because it lasts longer than a cup of water.

I like sleeping. Need I say more?

I like card games because you can include as many people as you want.

I like Payless because it’s cheap.

I like texting because there are never awkward moments.

I like trampolines because they make me giggle.

I like rearranging because it keeps things interesting.

I like coffee cups. I’m really not sure why…

I like dangly earrings because they make me feel pretty.

Home videos are hysterical because they show me how crazy my family is.

I like rollercoasters because I can scream as loud as I want without people thinking I’m dumb.

I like Nancy Drew because she’s one tough chick.

I want to work for Extreme Makeover:Home Edition.

Bowling is sweet. Galaxy bowling is sweeter.

I like celebrity gossip because I’m cheesy.

I like surround sound because it sucks me into the action.

I like getting mail because it’s something that I can actually hold onto.

Furniture shopping is funnn.

I like Jettas because they’re cute and chic.

I love guys who are musically talented.

I think it’s hot when a guy sings to me, even if he can’t sing at all.

I love listening to people speak different languages.

African music is amazing & I wish I could get away with singing it.

I want to spend New Years in NYC watching the ball drop.

Writing is my release. I write about everything.

I’ve always wanted to live in one of those tacky/cute beach houses during the summer.

I have an East Texas accent that comes out when I’m on the phone or come back from Nac.

I really don’t need people in my life who don’t need me in theirs.

This is my grown-up Christmas list.

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies.
Well, I’m all grown-up now,
And still need help somehow.
I’m not a child,
But my heart still can dream.
So here’s my lifelong wish,
My grown-up Christmas list.
Not for myself,
But for a world in need.
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list.
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree.
Well Heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul.
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list.
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end, oh.
This is my grown-up Christmas list.

Tea?

I have been super stressed lately. Too much is going on right now and I can’t seem to take a minute to slow down. Research papers, midterms, family reunions, drama within the family, personal struggles, trying to be patient with God’s timing, being a jerk to my sisters, wanting to escape the trials that I’m going through. When I finally took the time to relax tonight, I realized that God has been trying to speak to me through everything I’ve been dealing with these last few weeks. Today, I went to the church to work and there was a Bush’s tea sitting on the desk with my name on it. There was a piece of paper tied around the cup and it simply said, “Be still and know that I am God.” There was no name on it and nobody had any idea where it had come from. I still have no idea who brought it, but it was so comforting to me. Many thanks go out to the person who brought me sweet tea.

 

 

yayyyy Jesus!

Broadway.

there is something about the big city that appeals directly to me.

maybe its the lights
maybe its the beat
maybe its the diversity
maybe its the people

for the past few years I’ve had my heart set on going to New York.
on maybe becoming an actress, on being a city girl.

then I met people from the big city, and that seemed to intensify the glitz of a different lifestyle, like it was more attainable now that I knew it could be achieved by average people like me, another string to pull me north.

north.

away from rolling hills, bluebonnets, crab grass, chili cook-offs, Texas vs. OU weekend, pecan trees, sunsets, cows on the side of the highway, and singing country music at the top of your lungs, barb wire, driving with the windows down because its 75 degrees outside in the middle of December…and we cant leave out everyone waving at you with a “how ya’ll doin?”

…but I still have this silly vision stuck in my heart of getting there, being the sweet southern debutante, the steel magnolia, and struggling a bit, but making it, finding friends, getting my heart broken, working, going out on the town, white Christmas and glitz for this pretend country suburbia bumpkin.

i want to sing. act. dance. practice. perform. travel. tour. etc.

Broadway is the ultimate goal.

and as much as I want to be there, I am terrified it will kill me. what if I don’t make it? what if I’m miserable? happiness is a lifestyle but there is only so much that can be smiled away, what if I get hurt and what if I’m alone? what if I get there only to be sent home back to Texas, a failure? what if life is too harsh there? what if it kills me on the inside?

I don’t have the same confidence as I did when I started out

and I am on the verge of giving up on this ridiculous dream…
because it might just be a dream and not a possibility.

You are EVERYTHING.

“Everything” by Lifehouse 

 Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You STILL my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

too random.

I have a lot going through my mind right now so if this is completely random, forgive me.

 

(1) Lately I’ve been feeling like I have absolutely nothing to offer to anybody around me. I feel completely worthless in this stage of my life and I don’t know what to do about it. I know that I’m not worthless. I know that I was put on earth for a reason. I know that God has a purpose for my life, but what is it? Beautiful Jesus, what is my purpose??

 

(2)I feel like I keep getting pushed aside for something better. My little sister is a complete music genius and my parents adore her. My baby sister is a tennis fanatic and my parents support her. I don’t play sports. I’m not in band and I’m not a musical genius. I sing and my dream is to be on Broadway and tour all over the world. I also have a passion for people and especially those who are hurting, struggling, stressing, or suffering. I feel lost in my own family. I know my parents love me, but why can’t they accept me for what I am? Why do they want me to conform to what my sisters are? Sometimes, I feel like I get pushed aside at church. Does that make sense? I try to be a nice person to everybody I come into contact with. I care about people, which is why I ask how things are going. I have a need to connect with people and to have someone understand me. I see people at church who go do things together and in a way, it makes me sad. I want to be able to go do things with a group of believers without feeling like I’m out of the loop. I feel like my efforts are being wasted.

 

(3) In p3 tonight, we talked about rest. We talked about not having enough time or having too much time. We talked about being stripped of our joy by the routines of our everyday life. I feel like I don’t have enough time. I don’t have time for all of the things that I need to do. I have the responsibilities of school, studying, and keeping my grades up. I have the responsibility of work, being prepared, being on time, and having a good attitude. I have the responsibility of being a good daughter and sister to my family. I have the responsibility of keeping my room clean, unloading the dishwasher, and the normal home jobs. I try to make time every day to work out. I try to make time every day to spend time with my Jesus. I try to make time to do a random act of kindness for someone daily. I try to make time to stop and talk to someone who needs to be cheered up. I try to make time to spend time with friends when I get a chance. I would love to be able to sit out at Miller Springs with my Bible, my journal, and my ipod every day, but somehow, that NEVER happens. I try to make time to sleep. I try to make time to get a bite to eat. I try to make time to breathe. Why can’t I get these things done and be fully rested for the next full day?? I have the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else, and somehow everyone else is getting their stuff done.

 

(4) I’ve been praying for beauty in my life. I’ve been asking God to show me the beauty that people see in me. People tell me everyday that I am beautiful. Why can’t I accept that as a compliment? Why can’t I just simply say “thank you?” I’m sick of the media telling me that I’m ugly. I can’t hold it in anymore. God tells me that I’m beautiful because He made me and He doesn’t make mistakes. I am His creation. I was made in His image. I am God’s masterpiece. My head knows it but my heart doesn’t. HOLY FATHER, MY HEART NEEDS TO KNOW BEAUTY!!!

 

 

I know this is all so random.

&& I’m sorry.

Grow Up.

I voiced a big fear of mine yesterday.

the fear of growing up too quickly…of being pushed into adulthood with mahogany coffee tables and ceramic coasters.

I don’t want to lose myself in the process.

currently I feel really young and I don’t know how to explain it.

I look back on what I was 2 years ago…I don’t really agree with it and I try not to think about it. I was a plain bagel in high school, a little tiny bit eccentric but I don’t believe in 8 years anyone will remember me.

I look back to a year ago and where I was. I LOVE who I portrayed and what I felt. I made many mistakes but I was free.

I still am.

I love me. I love who I am. I love the relationships I have with others. I love what I can do. I love my life.

but I am worried I am either not doing anything or doing too much.

that makes no sense

I don’t want to be bland.

no more bagels.

lets have a cinnamon bun.

or at least French toast…

It’s beginning to look alot like Christmas.

Christmas. The most amazing time of the year. It’s almost here! I can hardly wait. I am a Christmas FANATIC.  The cold weather is finally here. Winter clothes have been pulled from the attic, firewood has been chopped, Wal-Mart has the Christmas tree display set up, and malls all over America are preparing for Santa’s arrival.  Children have made their Christmas lists and can’t stop talking about what they are getting for Christmas. Christmas music is playing all over the radio, and just for the record, I’ve had Christmas music on my ipod since mid-September. I told you, I’m a fanatic. Bath & Body Works has released their signature Christmas scents and Starbucks has introduced their newest holiday drinks. Christmas movies are already in theaters and on tv. I started watching Christmas movies the week before Halloween.  My favorites are Home Alone 1&2, The Santa Clause 1&2, The Holiday, The Family Stone, Elf, The Grinch, A Christmas Story, The Polar Express, and Miracle on 34th Street. (Okay, so I have alot of favorite Christmas movies. What can I say? I loveeee movies!) I started Christmas shopping the day after Halloween and I can’t wait to see the look on my friend’s and family’s faces when they open their gifts. I tried to pull down the Christmas tree from the attic this weekend and my parents told me it wasn’t time. When is it NOT time for Christmas?? I love the feeling that Christmas gives me.  It’s like a mixture of sheer excitments, pure joy, and just that warm, fuzzy feeling that you get when everything is right in your world. I love the people who stand outside malls in the freezing cold weather ringing their little bells for the Salvation Army.  Even though the bells work my nerve, I admire those people for being willing to stand out in the cold for a few hours to help raise money for those who are less fortunate. I love the lights and the decorations on every house as I drive down my street.  I love being outside and smelling the fire burning in someone’s fireplace.  I love walking into my house and smelling the “Christmas” smells such as cinnamon, chocolate, and peppermint sticks. (Do other people associate certain smells with Christmas time or is that just me?) I love being with my family during the holidays, not only my immediate family, but my extended family as well.  I love going to the mall or just to Wal-Mart and seeing smiles on everyone’s faces and hearing “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays” from the massive crowd of complete strangers. Christmas time always makes me want to hug people, whether I know them or not because I want to share my joy and excitement about Christmas with them. I love having my whole family together watching every football game that comes on  and hearing everybody cheer and get loud. I love going to Nacogdoches to the farm and running through the fields with my cousins in the pitch black night looking for deer. I love sitting in the deer stand in the early morning and watching everything that goes on in the woods while we’re sleeping. I love riding 4-wheelers with my cousins or skeet-shooting out in the field. I love it when all of my cousins pile into the back of my P’Paw’s truck and go on a “pillow ride” because we’re all allergic to hay. (Remember: there’s not much to do in Nacogdoches.) We all bundle up in our warmest clothes and grab as many pillows and blankets as we can find and put them all in the back of the truck. We ride down the long dirt roads singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs and it doesn’t really matter if we’re loud because nobody is around to hear us anyway. I love being able to do things for other people without them expecting it. I love the candlelight service at church and having a body of believers come together to celebrate the birth of our HOLY AND MIGHTY KING. I love being reminded of the ultimate love that entered the world on a cold night in Bethlehem. I love baking a cake, taking it into my classroom at work, and hearing all my kids sing happy birthday to Jesus. It makes my heart smile. I love going to Salado Stroll and Christmas on the Chisholm Trail. I love our family tradition of having boiled shrimp on Christmas Day, no matter what. I love the tradition of Chinese gift exchange with both sides of the family and how things can get so wild and crazy during that game. It’s always fun though, even if you don’t get the present that you wanted.  On Christmas Eve, my sisters and I always sleep in the same bedroom and stay up laughing and talking until 3 a.m. We’ve done this for as long as I can remember. When we were little, our imaginations would run wild and we would swear that we would hear Santa and his reindeer on the roof. One year, we sprinkled bird seed all over the ground for the reindeer and when we got up the next morning, it was all gone. We were amazed because somehow, that proved to us that Santa was real. Of course, it wasn’t until much later that we realized that we had put out BIRD seed so the BIRDS had eaten it. I love how the “A Christmas Story” comes on about 24,000 times back to back on TBS. Every year, at least a dozen people tell me that I need to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life.” I’m actually going to try to do that this year. Anyone care to join me?? I am really hoping for snow this year. Maybe it won’t happen…but I can still hope. I would love to go Christmas caroling all around Belton with a bunch of people. That would be too much fun. I really cannot even explain how excited I am about Christmas. I constantly have “Santa Baby” stuck in my head and I want to use my entire life savings to buy presents for children in orphanages who won’t have a real Christmas with their families. As cliche as it sounds, remember the reason for the season. Christmas isn’t about toys or presents or Santa or shopping. It’s about the birth of Jesus and the hope that He gave to the world. Just as he gave to us, we must give to other people. Merry Christmas to all…even if I am a month and a half early.