Let Me Fall.

It’s October again
Leaves are comin’ down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all
Wasn’t I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I’ve been runnin’ from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I’ve become much too good
At being invisible

I’m an expert
At play at safe and keep it cool
But I swear
This isn’t who I meant to be
I refuse to let my life
Roll all over me

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be Somebody
Who can face the things that I’ve been Runnin’ from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived…

It’s October again
Leaves are comin’ down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all…

Ketchup.

Okay.

So…it’s been awhile. I’ve been neglecting it. My bad.

But here’s an update on what’s going on in my life…if, by some far out chance, that you give a care.

I FINALLY  figured out what I’m supposed to do about school. As of January, I’ll be moving to Nacogdoches to attend SFA to get my BFA in Art w/ an Emphasis on Photography. I know what you’re thinking…I’m not gonna turn into some wild, party girl…it will be fine. (I will come back with a crazy accent though…) It’s totally a God thing, because there is no part in me that wants to leave Belton. But…God knows best & He has a plan. So here I go…jumping off the cliff into the crazy unknown. Eeek.

I went to Celebrate Freedom last weekend…and it was thebomb.com. Yeah, that’s a total 4th grade phrase..but seriously…thebomb.com. Friday night was Tenth Avenue North, This Beautiful Republic, Stellar Kart, Shane & Shane, David Crowder Band, Sanctus Real, some others that I don’t remember….and saving the best for last, PHIL WICKHAM. He was BY FAR my favorite. And later on that night, I got to meet him. Yes, MEET HIM. And talk to him for awhile. He is AHHHHMAZING. At Celebrate Freedom, I got to hang out with my best friend Andrew that I have not seen in FOREVER and Thank you GOD for bringing him back to Belton!! I left Celebrate Freedom Friday night with my cousin’s church & we roadtripped back to my cousin’s house at 3 a.m. The next day, 10 members of my family went to see Hairspray on Broadway. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. I have never wanted to be onstage more in my life!!! It was an incredible weekend, to say the least.

Tomorrow morning, I leave for 10 days. I’ll be in East Texas all ten days…so get ready for a major accent when I get back. Fair warning. And no teasing. I’ll spend the 4th shooting off Fireworks on the lake at Pineywoods. Then the next day I’ll head to Nac/Lufkin/Center to see SFA, friends, and family, then go back to Pineywoods for the remainder of the week. I am SO excited…the only negative thing is that I have absolutely ZERO cell phone coverage at Pineywoods…which I’ll be at 8 of the 10 days that I’m gone.

have a safe and fun 4th of july.

and don’t miss me too much.

All By Myself? Circle of Friends? EH?

Lately, I’ve been hearing people talk about their big plans for the summer. Honestly, I would rather spend my entire summer in Montana. But since that’s not what God had in mind for me, I’m gonna sit tight in Belton for the summer. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have the most amazing summer ever. Even though I have summer school Monday-Thursday for an hour each day….

I’ve decided that I’m going to do the following things this summer:

Go to Six Flags.

Maybe Fiesta Texas.

Go camping.

Go fishing.

Go to Warped Tour.

Go to Pineywoods.

Go to American Idol Tour.

Go to the drive-in theater.

Go to an Astros game in Houston.

Go to the zoo.

Ride a train.

Have a bonfire at the lake.

Shoot off tons of fireworks.

Play Guitar Hero on an outside projector.

Find people that I can use for photo shoots.

Have a huge 4^th of July party after the Belton Parade.

 

I honestly don’t mind doing these things by myself, but it would be WAY more fun with other people. So if you would like to accompany me on any of these grand adventures, feel free.

Peace Train.

Over the last few years, I have been very paranoid whenever my dad has to leave the country. I fear that he will not come back home. It doesn’t bother the rest of my family when he leaves, but it tears me up every time. I’m a nervous wreck until he gets back. I’ve been praying for peace and FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, God gave me peace. A peace of mind, a peace of heart. I realized that I was at peace the Monday night that revival started. I remember sitting in Melinda’s car talking to her on the way back from McAlister’s and thinking, “I’m free. FINALLY. I’m free!” It was an all-of-a-sudden kind of thing and one of the most wonderful feelings that I’ve ever had. God made me realize how completely wonderful my dad is and how blessed I am to have a dad that is as great as he is. He also made me realize that I was being selfish when my dad left the country because I wanted him here with me and not out in other countries. I realized that my dad is leaving the country to love on kids who don’t have ANY parents. He is being a dad to every kid that is in need of a father figure. WOW. That hit me between the eyes and it brought me to tears because I had been so freaking selfish. They need a dad just as much as I do and my dad is there to be their dad. That is such an encouraging thought! My dad left for Guatemala on Friday morning and he gets back late next Sunday night. Yes, it’s hard when he’s gone, but I’m not afraid anymore. I know that he is in God’s hands and that even if something were to happen to my dad, God still has a plan. I’m finally free. I’m free.

It’s simple, really.

I don’t know what it is about simple things that brighten my day and make my heart smile, but I enjoy simple things. I had the pleasure of encountering many pleasant simple things over spring break, and it made me realize just how amazing life can be.

These are a few of my favorite things:

Sitting on green grass watching trains roll by.
Laying on the trampoline and gazing at the stars.
Jukeboxes.
A free green tea from Starbucks.
The smell of Febreze.
A compliment from a total stranger.
Dancing in my car when I’m sitting at a red light.
A card in the mail.
Standing on the Belton dam with nobody around.
Old school diners where waitresses roll around on skates.
Laughing at myself for doing something dumb.
Automatic car washes.
Free songs from itunes.
Chill music, like Iron&Wine and the Wallflowers.
A cool breeze.
Sitting on a dock fishing.
Walking around in Miller Springs.
A comforting text message.

These things put my mind at ease.
They make me happy.

A Logical Fascination with Pinball Machines.

I wrote this over a year ago but this week, as I was roadtripping all over, I found this quiet oldschool diner where I could just sit and write and relax. There was a pinball machine in that old diner and it brought me back to this poem. I feel like the pinball in the machine.  

ping ping ping FLASHHH ping…..

there is a constant state of motion

a neverending jostle

a repetitive circular force

a beautiful smiling facade facing onlookers

but beneath the glass

a delicate balance is maintained

you have to give just enough

you have to have just enough push to keep from losing this game

afterwards, or until then

it becomes a silent almost depressing sight

an empty shell void of everything

except all its working parts that have yet to work together

pull the lever, take a shot, and rile me up

you’re nothing but shimmer baby, and under the glass your missing parts.

Inhale.Exhale.Repeat.

This is not a whining, griping, complaining kind of post. These are just thoughts that have been consuming my mind within these last two weeks and they must be released.

(1) I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I want to do with my life….where I should transfer to after TC, whether or not to make my major broadbase or specific, and not really liking the idea of leaving Belton. (I really do love this town!!)  What every thought and prayer has come down to is this: (a) Go to The Art Institute of Austin, (b) Broadbase my major to cover photography and interior design, and (c) get an apartment outside of Austin. I still have to look around the campus, talk to advisors, submit an application. But this is what feels right. This is where I’m being led. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m still excited.

 (2) Work wears me out…physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I cannot deal with it anymore. There is so much drama, tension, and gossip going on there and I feel like I am unwillingly being pulled into this deep, dark pit. I refuse to be a part of all of this crap. I dread getting up and going to work everyday. In complete honesty, I have cried every day for the last month either before I walk into work or after I leave work. It is a HORRIBLE place to be and it’s supposed to be a Christian environment. I can’t take it anymore and I’m actively searching for a new job.

 (3) My dad is gone for the week. I know that I’ve shared this already. I am a nervous wreck!! I always am when he’s gone. This is going to sound weird, but I feel like I have to be the “man of the house” while he’s away. (Does that make sense?) I feel the need to fix everything that needs fixing, cook dinner every night, and to watch over my family to make sure they are safe at all times. It’s only been two days since he left, and already I’m drained. I don’t know how my dad manages to be the “man of the house” all day every day. I’ve been trying for the last two days and I’m exhausted. Absolutely exhausted.

(4) My birthday is on Tuesday. I have this gut feeling that it’s going to suck. Usually my dad is the one who makes my birthday extra-special (not that my family doesn’t…my dad just gives it an extra OOMPH…),  and it just upsets me that he’s not here to help me celebrate. The rest of my family is busy on my birthday with band concerts, tennis tournaments, and school meetings so I already have an idea of how my birthday is going to go. Blehhhhh.

(5) I’m going fishing in East Texas next week over Spring Break. I cannot wait to get out on the lake with no distractions and just take some time to really relax. I’m ready to put my mind at rest. I’m ready to be back home. Pineywoods, here I come.

 Finally. All consuming thoughts are released. I feel somewhat better.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Random.

Random Thoughts:

1. I am learning to be patient. It is very difficult. Patience is a virtue and I need to be more of a virtuous woman.

2. I have learned to laugh again. It feels great.

3. I can honestly say that I am joyful, despite things that are going on in my life.

4. I have learned that tears are not a sign of weakness. It IS okay to cry sometimes.

5. I am learning how to trust. This too is very difficult. But I’m getting better at it.

6. I have learned that I deserve much better than what I settle for.

7. I’m learning to open up more to people that I don’t know very well.

Tyler Perry.

I need a Madea date. 

…desperately.

Struggle.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a couple of different things…mostly revolving around relationships that I do/do not have. I’ve been searching for friends that would lift me up, challenge me spiritually, and allow me to open up and be myself. There was also a relationship that I did not have with someone that frustrated me and confused me. I wanted to pursue this relationship, but I knew that it was not my job to pursue. I voiced these struggles tonight and after talking to a trusted friend of mine, my eyes were opened to several things that my head knew, but my heart did not. I came home after this talk and opened my devotional book. The title of today’s devotional was called “A Proper Focus.” It was based out of Proverbs 4:25 which says, “Keep your eyes focused on what is right and look straight ahead to what is good.” I won’t type out the whole devotional but the parts that really hit me were:

“What is your focus today? Are you willing to focus your thoughts and energies on God’s blessings and His will for your life or will you turn your thoughts to other things?”

“God created you in His own image, and He wants you to experience joy and abundance.”

“Trust your hopes instead of your fears. When you do, you will think optimistically about yourself and your world.”

The things that I have been focusing on, the things that have been consuming my thoughts and stealing my energy, are fears that I needed to let go of. I turned these fears over to God tonight. A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally be calm and relaxed once again.

 I am absolutely amazed at how God knows exactly what we need when we need it.