scared&lonely.

Lately, I’ve been thinking. A LOT.

I mean, it’s normal for me to think a lot, but this is over the top.

My mind NEVER, EVER stops.

Even when I’m sleeping, thoughts are going crazy…does that make me sound crazy?

Anyway, this has pretty much been consuming my mind:

I’m moving in January. I’m moving to Nacogdoches to go to SFA and finish up my art degree. I’m so excited about it, but I am scared out of my mind. My biggest fear is to be forgotten and I feel like moving away is just throwing that fear in my face. It scares me. It not only scares me, but I am completely gripped by terror. I’ve begun a countdown of days until I leave…I didn’t really mean to start a countdown, but somehow I did. Today is 74 days until I leave. It sounds like a lot, but it’s really not. I’m really trying to stay involved with things, especially with the college group, but it almost feels pointless. Here’s what I mean by that: I’m afraid to get close to people before I move, because the closer I get with people, the harder it will be to leave. That may sound ridiculous, but it makes sense. I don’t want to have to think about leaving when I’m around the college group. I really am trying to stay involved, though. I want a place that I can belong and not be afraid anymore. I’m hoping that Life groups will help me not to be scared anymore. I’m hoping that through Life groups, I will feel a sense of belonging. I haven’t felt that in…years…and I really think that’s what I need. I just want to have true friends, and know that I’m always welcome, no matter what. I always feel like an intruder, and I don’t know why. I want to know that I’m always welcome and not feel so left out all the time.

 

 

I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish by saying all of this, but there it is.

 

I <3 the Emmy’s.

Music vs. Lyric Theory

You know, I’ve got this theory;

There are two kinds of people in the world.

There are lyric people and music people.

The lyrics people tend to be

analytical…

You know, all about the

meaning of the song.

They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out

like five minutes after buying it pouring over the

Lyrics, interpreting the crap out of everything.

Then there’s the music people…who could care

less for the lyrics as long as its just got a

Good beat

and you could

dance to it.

I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a

Music girl and not a lyric girl.

But since I’m not,

Let me just say this: sometimes things find you

When you need them to find you. I believe that.

And for me, it’s usually song

Lyrics.

 

 

 

Make-Up Smeared Eyes.

So…lately, I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of my own life debating on whether or not I wanted to fight for the relationships that I have with my “friends” or just let them go and start from scratch. For the majority of the relationships, I decided that I was willing to fight for them, mostly because they were important to me, and I figured that if the other person wasn’t willing to fight for our relationship, then it must not be as important as I had once thought. For the other relationships, the ones that put me on the fence, I’m still deciding whether or not to fight for those or just let them go. A couple of things to consider from these relationships:

(1) During one of the hardest times of my life, this person/these people sent me a face book message telling me to “grow up & get over it…” when I asked for help & prayer. It made me really think twice about how much I wanted to be around this person/the group that this person represented. So for awhile, I’ve been staying away and avoiding contact with this person/group of people.

(2) As I’ve been sitting on the sidelines, I’ve gotten several nasty face book/text messages from this same person/group of people. One day, I got a message saying, “when is your friend coming back to our group??” I proceeded to tell this person that she was busy with her church group and wouldn’t be back for awhile. This certain person sounded disappointed, and I couldn’t help but ask this person why he would have the nerve to ask about my friend, but not be polite enough to ask about me…ask me when I was coming back. This person went on to say that, “She’s what we’re looking for in our group…you just don’t interact the way we need you to…” I was absolutely floored! This person was supposed to be a “leader” in the group, and he was playing favorites…or trying to customize the group according to his ideas of what the group should be like.

(3) Needless to say, this last scenario is about the same person/group of people. I went to a party that this group held a couple weeks back. I had a good attitude about going & I was ready to see the people that I hadn’t seen in awhile. When I showed up, two people said hi, and that was the only interaction I got for the entire night. As much as I tried to jump in and talk and interact with this group, they kept brushing me off or walking away. After two hours of this, I decided to leave and I sat in my car in the driveway where the party was being held and cried my eyes out. I felt like I was 100% invisible to these people & there was nothing I could do to change it.

 

I’m on the fence. I would love to say that I’m willing to fight for these relationships, but honestly, I’m not sure that I have the strength or the energy. Unless this person/group of people can prove to me that I’m important enough to be around, I’m done with these relationships. I would hate to see that day come, but I’ll let it come if need be.

Let Me Fall.

It’s October again
Leaves are comin’ down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all
Wasn’t I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I’ve been runnin’ from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I’ve become much too good
At being invisible

I’m an expert
At play at safe and keep it cool
But I swear
This isn’t who I meant to be
I refuse to let my life
Roll all over me

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be somebody
I wanna be somebody
I, I wanna be Somebody
Who can face the things that I’ve been Runnin’ from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived…

It’s October again
Leaves are comin’ down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all…

Ketchup.

Okay.

So…it’s been awhile. I’ve been neglecting it. My bad.

But here’s an update on what’s going on in my life…if, by some far out chance, that you give a care.

I FINALLY  figured out what I’m supposed to do about school. As of January, I’ll be moving to Nacogdoches to attend SFA to get my BFA in Art w/ an Emphasis on Photography. I know what you’re thinking…I’m not gonna turn into some wild, party girl…it will be fine. (I will come back with a crazy accent though…) It’s totally a God thing, because there is no part in me that wants to leave Belton. But…God knows best & He has a plan. So here I go…jumping off the cliff into the crazy unknown. Eeek.

I went to Celebrate Freedom last weekend…and it was thebomb.com. Yeah, that’s a total 4th grade phrase..but seriously…thebomb.com. Friday night was Tenth Avenue North, This Beautiful Republic, Stellar Kart, Shane & Shane, David Crowder Band, Sanctus Real, some others that I don’t remember….and saving the best for last, PHIL WICKHAM. He was BY FAR my favorite. And later on that night, I got to meet him. Yes, MEET HIM. And talk to him for awhile. He is AHHHHMAZING. At Celebrate Freedom, I got to hang out with my best friend Andrew that I have not seen in FOREVER and Thank you GOD for bringing him back to Belton!! I left Celebrate Freedom Friday night with my cousin’s church & we roadtripped back to my cousin’s house at 3 a.m. The next day, 10 members of my family went to see Hairspray on Broadway. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. I have never wanted to be onstage more in my life!!! It was an incredible weekend, to say the least.

Tomorrow morning, I leave for 10 days. I’ll be in East Texas all ten days…so get ready for a major accent when I get back. Fair warning. And no teasing. I’ll spend the 4th shooting off Fireworks on the lake at Pineywoods. Then the next day I’ll head to Nac/Lufkin/Center to see SFA, friends, and family, then go back to Pineywoods for the remainder of the week. I am SO excited…the only negative thing is that I have absolutely ZERO cell phone coverage at Pineywoods…which I’ll be at 8 of the 10 days that I’m gone.

have a safe and fun 4th of july.

and don’t miss me too much.

All By Myself? Circle of Friends? EH?

Lately, I’ve been hearing people talk about their big plans for the summer. Honestly, I would rather spend my entire summer in Montana. But since that’s not what God had in mind for me, I’m gonna sit tight in Belton for the summer. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have the most amazing summer ever. Even though I have summer school Monday-Thursday for an hour each day….

I’ve decided that I’m going to do the following things this summer:

Go to Six Flags.

Maybe Fiesta Texas.

Go camping.

Go fishing.

Go to Warped Tour.

Go to Pineywoods.

Go to American Idol Tour.

Go to the drive-in theater.

Go to an Astros game in Houston.

Go to the zoo.

Ride a train.

Have a bonfire at the lake.

Shoot off tons of fireworks.

Play Guitar Hero on an outside projector.

Find people that I can use for photo shoots.

Have a huge 4^th of July party after the Belton Parade.

 

I honestly don’t mind doing these things by myself, but it would be WAY more fun with other people. So if you would like to accompany me on any of these grand adventures, feel free.

Peace Train.

Over the last few years, I have been very paranoid whenever my dad has to leave the country. I fear that he will not come back home. It doesn’t bother the rest of my family when he leaves, but it tears me up every time. I’m a nervous wreck until he gets back. I’ve been praying for peace and FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, God gave me peace. A peace of mind, a peace of heart. I realized that I was at peace the Monday night that revival started. I remember sitting in Melinda’s car talking to her on the way back from McAlister’s and thinking, “I’m free. FINALLY. I’m free!” It was an all-of-a-sudden kind of thing and one of the most wonderful feelings that I’ve ever had. God made me realize how completely wonderful my dad is and how blessed I am to have a dad that is as great as he is. He also made me realize that I was being selfish when my dad left the country because I wanted him here with me and not out in other countries. I realized that my dad is leaving the country to love on kids who don’t have ANY parents. He is being a dad to every kid that is in need of a father figure. WOW. That hit me between the eyes and it brought me to tears because I had been so freaking selfish. They need a dad just as much as I do and my dad is there to be their dad. That is such an encouraging thought! My dad left for Guatemala on Friday morning and he gets back late next Sunday night. Yes, it’s hard when he’s gone, but I’m not afraid anymore. I know that he is in God’s hands and that even if something were to happen to my dad, God still has a plan. I’m finally free. I’m free.

It’s simple, really.

I don’t know what it is about simple things that brighten my day and make my heart smile, but I enjoy simple things. I had the pleasure of encountering many pleasant simple things over spring break, and it made me realize just how amazing life can be.

These are a few of my favorite things:

Sitting on green grass watching trains roll by.
Laying on the trampoline and gazing at the stars.
Jukeboxes.
A free green tea from Starbucks.
The smell of Febreze.
A compliment from a total stranger.
Dancing in my car when I’m sitting at a red light.
A card in the mail.
Standing on the Belton dam with nobody around.
Old school diners where waitresses roll around on skates.
Laughing at myself for doing something dumb.
Automatic car washes.
Free songs from itunes.
Chill music, like Iron&Wine and the Wallflowers.
A cool breeze.
Sitting on a dock fishing.
Walking around in Miller Springs.
A comforting text message.

These things put my mind at ease.
They make me happy.

A Logical Fascination with Pinball Machines.

I wrote this over a year ago but this week, as I was roadtripping all over, I found this quiet oldschool diner where I could just sit and write and relax. There was a pinball machine in that old diner and it brought me back to this poem. I feel like the pinball in the machine.  

ping ping ping FLASHHH ping…..

there is a constant state of motion

a neverending jostle

a repetitive circular force

a beautiful smiling facade facing onlookers

but beneath the glass

a delicate balance is maintained

you have to give just enough

you have to have just enough push to keep from losing this game

afterwards, or until then

it becomes a silent almost depressing sight

an empty shell void of everything

except all its working parts that have yet to work together

pull the lever, take a shot, and rile me up

you’re nothing but shimmer baby, and under the glass your missing parts.